Big Fracking Deal

It’s that time of year when the heat has to come on, so I was going to write a post filled with furnace and heating jokes. But, with so many people likely unable to afford their heating bills this winter, it felt in bad taste. So instead I offer these tips to keep warm (from a cheap Canadian):

  • dress in layers, and don’t forget a hat – you lose a lot of your heat through your head.
  • Insulate your windows with plastic sheeting, and make sure no drafts are sneaking in under doors.
  • Let the sun shine in when it can, but when it gets dark, close your blinds/curtains as an extra layer of insulation.
  • If you do lose heat/power when it’s below freezing outside, leave your taps running just a little to prevent them freezing.

Good luck, everyone!

Gas meter whose dials look like googly eyes, with a blacked-out counter that looks like a mouth. Stick arms have been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "Good choice. Jokes about heating just aren't cool."

Guess Who?

Now that Disney has acquired Doctor Who, it’s out with the old and in with the new*. Classic villains have had to find work elsewhere, and the job market is tight.

Just look at this poor Santaran, forced to shill for Big Potato.

Whole potato with rot marks in the centre that look like two eyes over a smiling mouth. Large blue collar, wrinkles and ears have been doodled in so it looks like General Staal. Speech bubble says, "Big sale on potatoes. Don't Staal, get them before they run out!"

And this Dalek has put its magnificent abs to work in a spa, scraping away dead skin for pedicures.

A silver cheese grater sits on a table with a chair behind it, so the chair's arms look like they're coming from the grater. A plunger and a whisk have been doodled on the arms. Small lights and a larger round light have been doodled on the black top handle of the grater to resemble a Dalek. Speech bubble says, "Exfoliate!"

But they both fared better than this poor Cyberman, who not only was reduced to manual labour, but decapitation as well.

Shiny silver snow shovel that looks like a Cyberman's helmet. Speech bubble says, "Snow will be deleted. Delete! Delete!"

Better hope the Weeping Angels don’t end up as garden ornaments…

*Obviously I have no idea what Disney is going to do with Doctor Who, I can only assume that by throwing money at it, they will change the low budget look of many of the FX.

Keeping an Eye on You

Attention, readers! We have taken over this blog to point out an extreme injustice. This blog has shown an unfair preference for faces of the binocular variety. We monocles-

Silver Birch tree with knot holes that look like a single large eye centered over a mouth. Grumpy eyebrows and arms have been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "Um, Iris? Monocles are already a thing. You can't call us that."

Okay, sorry.

We uni-eyes-

Interior of a computer. A large circle "eye" sits above a rectangular mouth. Speech bubble says, "Really? Uni-eye? How do you expect them to take us seriously?"


We of the “only-one-eye” variety-

One round leafy plant "eye" over a smiling tulip leaf "mouth." Eyeball has been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "I think the word you're looking for is cyclops."

Right. Fine.

We cyclopses-

Another silver birch tree with dark knots that look like a grumpy cyclops face.  Arms with hands on hips have been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "Cyclopes. The plural of cyclops is cyclopes."

You know what? I give up. Maybe we don’t deserve a spot on this blog. I’m outta here.

Playground with a clear round dome that looks like an eye over a square window that looks like a mouth. Arms and surprised eyebrows have been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "Was it something we said?"

The Flowers

Once upon a weekend weary, in a house that was quite eerie,
There were many a quaint and curious option of household décor
While I sat glibly condoning, suddenly there came a moaning,
As of someone gently droning, groaning outside of my door.
“Tis just a gust of wind,” I muttered, “Outside of my door.
“Only this, and nothing more.”

In the doorway, I stood shiv’ring, no wind blew, but knees were quiv’ring,
Hearing screaming scream no mortal ever dared to scream before.
As the silence thus was broken, surely dead had been awoken,
But the only word there spoken was the whispered word, 
This I whispered and a ghastly voice howled back the word,
Only this did the voice roar.

Out into the hallway turning, finding the source my one yearning,
Soon I heard a groaning somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is someone being tortured, dying,
I must help them or die trying,” and so I stepped along the floor.
Another howling at that moment, as I stepped along the floor.
Not the wind, but something more.

As I walked, I brushed the paper, and, from the wall burst virulent vapor,
Thus it summoned rapt attention to the place I did ignore.
Flowers plastered on the wall there, screaming like a banshee’s bawl there,
Giving me more than a small scare, snared outside my chamber door.
Snared souls writhing in the paper just outside my chamber door.
Snared, and screaming, in décor.

Soon those peonies’ caterwauling had the poor wall’s plaster falling,
And my bruised and battered eardrums could scarcely tolerate much more
“Truly this must be a caper, thou,” I said, “are not from draper,
Ghastly grim and ancient paper, haunting this home’s hallway core.
Tell me now you’ll cease your screeching, Let silence reign upon this floor.”
Quoth the flowers, “Nevermore.”  

“There must be a way to free you, leave this place, I guarantee you,
Get thee out of the wallpaper, released from prison of décor,”
But no matter try as I might, all the day into the twilight,
In the end of efforts finite, the flowers still screamed, and I swore,
“Get your howls from out my ears, and get your forms from my décor!”
Quoth the flowers, “Nevermore.”

Now the trapped souls, I’m not doubting, still are shouting, still are shouting,
Snared souls writhing in the paper just outside my chamber door.
All the mouths are moaning, screaming, like a demon’s nightmare dreaming,
Writhing, paper fully teaming with the shadows cast of yore,
And these souls, these ghastly shadows, will stay ensnared in the décor,
Will be released - nevermore.
Floral wallpaper: a large pink peony looks like it is wailing. Speech bubble says, "Nevermore" in Chiller font.

My Car Sucks

I’m not the only one in my family who suffers from Pareidolia, as shown by this conversation between my thirteen-year-old and me:

13: Have you taken a picture of the windshield wipers for your blog yet? Because they’re totally cyborg vampire bats.

Me: I guess that explains why they squeak so much.

Windshield wiper hinge that looks like a cyborg bat face. Wings have been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "I vant to vipe your vindows."

Humerus Halloween Jokes

Who is a skeleton’s favourite historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-apart.

A double door with screened openings and scroll work that makes it look like a Dia de los Muertos calavera (decorative skull). Speech bubble says, "Falso! Me, I prefer, Concha Espina."

Ooh, a Spanish pun! I’ll remember that one for my next show. Let’s keep going though, shall we?

What kind of weapons do skeletons always carry?

Shoulder blades.

View inside of a Nerf gun with a skull-shaped piece of green plastic has two screw eyes and a spring for a mouth. Speech bubble says, "I prefer a Win-chest-er rifle, myself."

Uh, well, that’s fair, but I’m not really sure you got the joke. Anyway, moving on…

What does the skeleton do at the hockey game?

Drives the Zam-bone-i.

Hinge on a mustard bottle looks like a yellow skull. Speech bubble says, "That's flesh-ist. I played net. I was great at blocking ghouls!"

Okay, fine, didn’t mean to over-generalize, just trying to make some puns here. Let’s try a different set-up.

Who won the race between the skeleton and the skull?

The skull was just ahead.

Storefront with a square white overhang that looks like a skull, complete with two window "eyes" over a dark bring door area that looks like a gaping mouth. Speech bubble says, "Now that's funny!"

I Saw a Skull

(Parody of Monster Mash)

I was walking home from work late one night,
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight,
For something in the garden began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

I swear I saw a skull
(I saw a skull) My walk is never dull
(I saw a skull) Is my brain just too full?
(I saw a skull) I swear I saw a skull

It was impossible for it to be alive
But crumbling of dirt revealed some fingers five
Then an arm came from the garden topsoil
And my stomach began to roil

I swear I saw a skull
(I saw a skull) My walk is never dull
(I saw a skull) Is my brain just too full?
(I saw a skull) I swear I saw a skull

Maybe kids were having fun? (Wa hoo, tennis shoe)
Halloween had just begun (Wa hoo, tennis shoe)
But if it was legit, then I needed to run
The scene was scary, then I noticed the sounds
Clinking of chains, backed by some baying hounds
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive
And all I wanted was to stay alive!

I swear I saw a skull
(I saw a skull) My walk is never dull
(I saw a skull) Is my brain just too full?
(I saw a skull) I swear I saw a skull
Out from the garden, a voice did ring
But I was troubled by just one thing
I’m pretty sure my knees were gelatin. Voice said
"It’s not a real skull, it’s a plastic skeleton!”

I swear I saw a skull
(I saw a skull) My walk is never dull
(I saw a skull) Is my brain just too full?
(I saw a skull) I swear I saw a skull

Now everything's cool, I’m a part of the show
I scream in fright and cry out in woe!
For you, the living, this show was meant too
When you get to the door, tell them Boris sent you

Then you can see a skull
(I saw a skull) The walk is never dull
(There is a skull) Is your brain just too full?
(There is a skull) Then you can see a skull
Garden with white rock that has three dark circles on it, making it look like the top of a skull poking out of the dirt. Skeletal arm and hands have been drawn in to look like a skeleton is rising from a grave.
(Seriously, though, that rock in my neighbour’s garden gives me the creeps!)