Five Haunted Tree Trunks

October 19, 2022September 22, 2022 / K. Callard / Leave a comment

(Parody of Five Little Pumpkins)

Five haunted tree trunks in the neighborhood,

The first one is a mummy made of wood,

Silver birch tree with gaps in bark that look like eyes and a mouth. Bandaged arms have been doodled in.

The second one says, “Would you like to have some fun?”

Another silver birch, this time with gaps in the bark that look like a scary clown face. Red clown hair and a red balloon have been doodled in.

The third one says, “It’s time for you to run,”

Gnarled tree bark with holes that look like two wide eyes, a nose and an open mouth. Red pupils have been doodled in.

The fourth one likes to howl and shriek and yell,

Tree with a huge gaping hole that looks like a screaming mouth. A cut branch looks like an eye. Second eye, angry eyebrows and excited arms have been doodled in .

The fifth one is a demon straight from Hell,

Tree with a gaping hole that looks like a screaming mouth. Branches look like arms thrown back. Red eyes and angry eyebrows have been doodled in.

Ooh-Ooh goes the wind,

In darkness of night

And the five haunted tree trunks give you a fright.

Who You Gonna Call?

October 17, 2022October 12, 2022 / K. Callard / Leave a comment

Hubs: Oh hey u done cleaning?

Me: Vacuum’s haunted.

Hubs: What?

Me: *loading a pistol and getting back to the living room* Vacuum’s haunted.

Stand-up vacuum whose canister is filled with dust in the shape of a skull. Speech bubble says, "They call me the Grim Sweeper."

The Shadows Are Eerie

October 14, 2022September 17, 2022 / K. Callard / Leave a comment

(Parody of The Addams Family theme song)

They're creepy and they're ghoulish,
Mysterious, not foolish,
They're altogether cruel-ish,
The shadows are eerie.

The tree is skeletal and.
The monster is quite tall and
It’s definitely Fall and 
The shadows are eerie.

Weird

Feared

Revered

So get a flashlight quick
A match and candlestick.
It’s not a magic trick
The shadows are eerie.

Shadows on a wall. There is a creepy-looking tree and a blob that looks like a fuzzy monster with eyes on stalks. Eyeballs have been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "Grr, Argh!" in Chiller font.

Happy Howloween

October 12, 2022September 23, 2022 / K. Callard / Leave a comment

Side view of a turkey whose wing feathers look like a smiling face. Pink hands have been doodled in to match its pink legs. Speech bubble covers turkeys real head and says, "What do you call an owl who reads your horoscope?" Second bubble says, "An Astr-owl-oger"

Same turkey picture, only this time the speech bubbles say, "What do you call an owl who transforms things?" and "An owl-chemist."

Same picture again. Speech bubbles say, "What do you call an owl who raises the dead?" and "A necr-owl-mancer"

Side of a barn with two large windows on either side of a spout, giving the impression of an owl's face. An outline of an owl's body has been drawn in for emphasis. Speech bubble says, "I hate you."

You’ll Never Look at a Turkey the Same Way Again

October 10, 2022September 20, 2022 / K. Callard / Leave a comment

I know I promised a month of Halloween posts, but today is Thanksgiving here in Canada, so it feels like I should post something turkey-related. So, in true Franken-spirit, I have combined the two. Behold, my two best (worst?) Halloween turkey jokes and an image that will haunt you for the rest of your life.

What happens to turkeys when they die?

They become poultry-geists.

What do turkeys dress up as for Halloween?

Gobblins.

My Jokes Are Out of This World

October 7, 2022September 15, 2022 / K. Callard / Leave a comment

Open blue backpack hanging from a hook. A lunch bag is peeking out of the main area, giving the appearance of eyes. An open zipper makes a mouth below it. Antennae are doodled at top. Speech bubbles say, "What do you call an alien with six eyes?" "Aliiiiiien"

Wooden model kit with pieces that look like six round eyes over a fuzzy body with a large mouth. Green arms and toes have been doodled in. Speech bubble says, "I hate you."

Something is Watching Me

October 5, 2022September 16, 2022 / K. Callard / Leave a comment

(Parody of Somebody’s Watchin’ Me by Rockwell)

I’m just an average girl, with an average life,
Taking care of my kids, oh yeah, kicka** housewife.
All I want is to be left alone, everywhere I roam,
But why do I always feel
Like I’m in the Twilight Zone?

I always feel like something is watching me
And I have no privacy
I always feel like something is watching me
Is it just a dream?

When I go out at night
I sometimes get a fright
People shopping in the store I'm trying to avoid
Or can the stock on the shelving see me,
Or am I just paranoid?

Row of Ikea storage bins with air holes that look like meh eyes and mouth. Angry eyebrows have been doodled in.

When I order takeout,
I'm afraid to eat my food
Cause I might open my bag and find dinner in a mood.

Styrofoam takeout container whose nubs for holding it closed look like eyes. A crack in the container looks like a nose. Angry eyebrows have been doodled in.

People say I'm crazy, just a little touch
But have you ever heard of pareidolia much?
That's why...

I always feel like something is watching me
And I have no privacy
I always feel like something is watching me
Where will the faces be?

I don't know anymore!
Are the houses watching me?

Two story house with upstairs windows that look like eyes over a long window mustache and triple window mouth. Angry eyebrows have been doodled in. — What’s watching
Well is the back fence watching me?

Wooden fence with two knot holes that look like eyes and another that could be a nostril or beauty mark. Angry eyebrows and mouth have been doodled in.

Tell me what's watching
And I don't feel safe anymore, am I a ditz?
I wonder what's watching me now
What?
Some dinner bits?!

Cutting board with some leftover cabbage bits that look like two eyes over an angry mouth. Angry eyebrows have been doodled in.

I always feel like something is watching me
And I have no privacy
I always feel like something is watching me
Tell me is it just a dream?

I always feel like something is watching me
And I have no privacy
I always feel like something is watching me
Where will the faces be?

I always feel like something is watching me
Oooh, whoa-oa-oa
I always feel like something is watching me
Tell me, can it be?
I always feel like something is watching me

I’ve Heard of Monster Trucks…

October 3, 2022September 15, 2022 / K. Callard / Leave a comment

…but never a Monster Car.

Black vintage sedan with pointy red brake light "eyes," and pointy chrome "teeth" coming out of the bumper. Text box reads, "Never park outside during a full moon."

Don’t Bite My Head Off

September 30, 2022September 15, 2022 / K. Callard / Leave a comment

Something about this picture is bugging me. Just got this creeping feeling there’s more here than meets the eye. Maybe if I divide it insections? Nope. Ugh. This kind of failure just can’t fly. I guess I’ll just have to pray for forgiveness.

On second thought, never mind. I’m sure someone will jump in the comments to mantisplain.